I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
