Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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