omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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