I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
