i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
