I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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