Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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