my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
