i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
