like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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