apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
