My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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