I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
