I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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