4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
