I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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