He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
