the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
