So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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