you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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