No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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