Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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