i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
