im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize