He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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