wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
