Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
