the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
