I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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