They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
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i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
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You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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