yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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