I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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