Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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