my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
