My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
