My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just tell him i said nine months
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
why is half of my head shaved?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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