having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
