I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
no, he came in my armpit
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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