I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
