I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
