I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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