I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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