What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Blood and glitter go together right?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
