My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
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Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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