woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
