I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
