Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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