I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
