Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
