I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
