i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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