i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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