There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
what day is it and did you see me today?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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