my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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