We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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