There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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